Focusing on the Good

There is good and I will find it.

She taught me how to bake cookies, how to make an apple pie, how to make a cheesecake.

She taught me to clean my house, scrub the floor on my hands and knees, dust like you mean it, move things. She taught me to get rid of things, to clean out, to keep only what is necessary.

She taught me how to use a sewing maching and how to sew by hand.

She always decorated for Christmas even if it was only a few meaningful decorations. We always had a Christmas tree and we always had presents. We always had a stocking with an orange, okay sometimes it was an apple but there was fruit in our stocking.

She taught me to work hard and to be on time. She taught me responsibility. I had to be responsible for myself and self-sufficient. She taught me to be resourceful. I had to use what we had. Make it work.

She taught me to love gardening. She taught me to love animals.

She taught me to look for a good husband. One who will provide and care for his family. One that makes healthy life choices and doesn't leave his family.

She taught me to spend time with my kids. Kids don't like to be left alone for long periods of time. They get into trouble. They see and do things they shouldn't do.

She taught me to be a good wife. Be attentive to your husband. Don't be selfish. Don't make choices that cause your family pain.

She taught me to make sure my kids helped around the house, not because of laziness but because instilling a work ethic in your kids does start at home.

She taught me to take pictures of my kids. Save their schoolwork, their artwork, their creations. Save their special toys. They may want them someday. She taught me to save their baby clothes and blankets. They are special and one day when they have kids they will want them. They mean something. They are a reminder of a simpler, more innocent time.

She taught me to take care of myself. Take time for me. Make sure I have enough so I can continue to give. There is balance and a mom needs balance.

All of these lessons she taught by doing them. Some she did right and most she did wrong. I choose to look at them as life lessons. I am all these things because of her. She was a model for me just as I am a model for my kids. I hope my kids will not have to take the model and do the exact opposite like I had to do.

She taught me so many things and I am thankful. Thankful for grace and mercy and the ability to find the good.

Boundaries

Boundaries are good. They keep us safe, they guide us, they lead us, they show others that there is a line that cannot be crossed. Lines need to be drawn sometimes.

Sometimes they're big, solid, double yellow lines that are painted right across the road to define direction. It's dangerous to cross over these and there is a price to pay. Sometimes we think it's silly and we cross over them anyway. When we willingly cross these lines we're hoping no one is watching, especially someone with authority. We don't agree with why they are put there. We think it should be a dotted yellow line so we can cross with caution but we didn't put the lines there, someone else did and we need to respect those lines. Those lines are for safety, our safety and the safety of others.

Sometimes the lines need to be repainted and sometimes, rarely, but sometimes they have to be moved or changed.

When there are no lines it's confusing and we actually look for the lines, the faded line that once was there but has been worn away by being driven over. We think to ourselves, someone needs to repaint these lines and soon because this can be dangerous.

I've had to repaint my boundary lines lately and I've questioned them several times this month. December. The month of being with family, coming together and sharing meals, being in each others houses, creating memories with each other. All those things are impossible to do in a healthy way with unhealthy people.

I work hard to create a healthy family life and I daily question what I'm doing. I'm always thinking of ways to do it better, to improve it. I have to apologize, explain, discuss, share, stop being selfish, and sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm the parent, I'm the adult, I'm the Christian. I'm going to be the better person. Being the better person isn't always fun and people don't usually appreciate it.

I will teach my children boundaries and that they are healthy and need to be respected. We all need them. Time to get out the paint again.

Oh, There Is Love and Lots of It.

This is where it happens. Lodi, California.

We all shop, wrap, create, make, bake and prepare for these two days. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Hours, days, weeks of planning go into this event and its all for love. We love each other. We love being together. We love when we have more to love. Be careful, we'll adopt you if you stick around for a while.

It starts with the preparing of the sit down formal meal for 20-30 people depending on the year complete with china, silver, linen and yummy, yummy food prepared by many hands in many houses. There is talking, planning, munching, laughing, screaming, giggling, picture snapping, guests who drop in througout the day, basketball playing, tattle telling, gentle correction, and it repeats as we build up to the time when we will all sit down together to share a meal.

Then it happens. The tables are set and arranged, the guests find their seats. The Christmas story is handed out on numbered cards. We take turns reading parts of the story of Jesus and His birth. Then we pray, then we eat, oh do we eat. As soon as the last morsel is finished we start the clean up. It's funny, the whole day is in preparation for the meal but as soon as the meal is finished we clean it up. It's like a tide's ebb and flow. We just move with it and enjoy it and come together to clean, renew and refresh and prepare for the next wave of fun and enjoyment because we know there is more to come and we can't stop it, it will happen.

There are always family pictures and the picture drill sargeant (me) insists that people will get in family groups and take cute family photos and they will smile, there will be no bunny ears behind heads or silly faces (Randal).

We've added a new tradition in the last few years, the Christmas Quiz. Bryan creates it, we take it and complain the whole time even after ground rules have been set. Then the grading begins, the third, second and first place winners are announced and all are happy for the winner.

The White Elephant game must happen and we've instructed the people to get better gifts. Make it more interesting. It's better and we all love it but I think the kids enjoy it more than the adults at this point. We do it because we love tradition in this family and if it's traditon we do it.

Gifts for those we won't see on Christmas. We always think it will be just a few gifts but it always turns into a madhouse and we love it. We love the paper flying, the people moving about, the chaos. If you watch you'll see that everyone is smiling and thanking and hugging. And then there is an an attempt to clean up a bit.

Slowly but surely, one by one, people will start appearing in their jammies, usually matching, especially if you're a kid but this year, this year we got a treat. The adults got matching jammies. So comfy, so cute. Those in jammies are the lucky ones. The ones who get to stay overnight and have Christmas morning together.

People who are not staying overnight start heading home and we all gets snuggled in for the night. Letters are written, cookies are put out, children are snuggled in their beds, presents are arranged and put together. You can feel the warmth and excitement in the air. Its a strange combination of sleepy coziness and excited busy-ness but it feels so right. Those we love gathered together making memories and special moments happen for others.

This is where it happens and its so good and I am so thankful to be a part of it.

Some of My Dearest

These are some of my dearest friends. We share a bond and that bond is homeschooling. We've all been homeschooling since our children's education began and we all understand it significance and importance in our lives and especially in our children's lives.

We're like trees in a forest. We all came from different root systems and had different struggles but we all have the same goal in mind, to grow and let others grow with us, to shade and protect those who are more fragile and new, to give a breath of fresh air to those who feel like they're stifled and lost, but most of all, we want to grow together and we know we need each other to do that.

I have been so blessed by each one of these women and I admire something different and yet so similar in all of them. One of them is a wealth of knowledge, a caring voice, gentle guiding and encouraging words that go back and forth between us. She's like the soil, full of life giving qualities built over time, sustaining and rich. One of them is so creative and talented and has a quiet gentle spirit. She is beauty and softness and feminity and gentleness mixed with strength, endurance, stamina, and a pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps kind of drive. She's like the sun, always bringing light where it is needed to encourage growth and life. One of them is an offshoot of me, full of energy, love, devotion, laughter and realness. She's like the water, life sustaining, refreshing, renewing. And one of them, oh this one, she's special. She doesn't know it but she's got a special place in my heart. She's the fire that comes and burns away the chaf, the old is gone and new things can only grow out of this place of devastation. She runs deep, she challenges me, makes me want to be a better person in areas I hadn't even really considered.

They are all gifts, each one. I love gifts, it's my love language. You really love me and this I know. I only hope I can be as much of a gift to them as they are to me.

It's a Christmas like no other

I can't explain it. I'm actually enjoying Christmas. I'm enjoying the shopping, the wrapping, the creating, the decorating, the baking, the parties, the events, all of it. Seriously, I can't remember when I have enjoyed the Christmas season this much. I don't know exactly why it's different this year and I've spent a lot of time thinking about it. Is it because I truly am happy for the small things, is it because I've finally learned to enjoy all the aspects of this time of year, or is it because we have the resources to create this Christmas and make it special, is it because my children are older and I have more time to shop, bake, decorate, create than I ever have before? What is it? I'm just not sure. Am I more grateful than I have been in the past? I am so thankful and grateful and I realize that my cup really does run over. I have so much good stuff in my life and I struggle to take care of it all. I can't take care of it all and it's all so good. I love staying home with my children and caring for my house, I love homeschooling my children and having co-ops, I love volunteering at church, I love being involved in my homeschool support group, I love having all these animals, I really do and it all requires a lot of work if you want to do it well. And I want to do it well. Is it that I keep hearing my beautiful neice Lizzie in my head saying that she loves Christmas? I remember when I heard her say it the first time and I looked at her like she was crazy. I even thought to myself that maybe she was a little bit off but now I realize it was me who was off. I was looking at it all wrong. When those decorations start showing up in the stores around Easter, okay Halloween, it's okay to smile and look forward to this holiday. It's okay to enjoy decorating the Christmas tree and if all the kids don't want to participate, that's okay. If you want to have a theme on your tree and none of the kid's ornaments can go on it, that's okay, especially if none of your special ornaments were on the tree for the past three years. It's okay to tell the beautiful little girl to not put all the ornaments in one place on the tree. It's okay to let your kids eat candy canes in the morning after breakfast. It's okay to look forward to the holiday parties and events. It's okay to tell your kids to smile like your parents just took you to Disneyland for the family photo. It's okay to address your Christmas card envelopes in October. It's okay to have your tree up, the inside and outside of the house decorated and your Christmas card ready to mail before December 1st. None of that was okay with me before but it is now. I'm not sure if there is just extra grace this year or it's me. I keep asking myself why I am enjoying Christmas time this year because I want every year to be this good. My tree is so beautiful and I can't help but smile when I look at it, my family is so beautiful and I can't help but smile when I think about them or see them do something special or hear them say something profound, the Christmas lights on our house are almost magical this year, all the parties have been some of the best ever. All I know is this. I'm loving it.

Playdates

Oh the sound of little girls playing with their dolls and having tea. It's like music to my ears. I can't help but listen in on their conversations about pretend this and pretend that. It's all so magical and special. I remember playing pretend and those were some of my happiest memories as a child. It's that time when you can be anything you want to be and everyone else has to pretend that you really are whatever you said you are and then they say what you have to pretend them to be. I love it. It's so sweet and I realize now it's their way of sorting out life and making sense of it all. Taking in what they hear and trying it out but in a safe way, a pretend way. Oh if only life continued that way. Eventually it's not pretend anymore. It's for real. For real is so good though. When you really are a grown up and you really do walk down the aisle to don, don, da-da...you really are a mommy and you have a real husband and you really do have babies and kids and a real house to take care of. Remember when it was fun to wash your play dishes and make mud pies, real mud pies, it was fun to go get the baby because it was crying and needed to be comforted, when those types of things weren't chores and they weren't drudgery and energy sappers, they were exciting and fun. I was looking at my fingerprinted covered sliding glass door the other day and remembering when I used to clean it on a weekly basis. I couldn't stand the sight of fingerprints. For a moment I was disappointed at myself for not keeping it as clean as I used to but then I realized that I was thankful for fingerprints on the glass. They mean that my house has children in it and not just my own but others too. Little girls, big girls, little boys, and big boys too. The fingerprints start at the bottom and go almost to the top from all the kids who go in and out of my back door. The door I am always telling them to shut. Some are smudged and some are just lightly there and if you look closely you'll see a few cat paw prints too. It's for real and it's so much better than when I was pretending.