My mother passed away on Wednesday, February 6, 2013 at 7pm, 3 days before her 68th birthday. My mother is dead. What harsh words. I don't have a mother anymore. While that is sad, she didn't hold a large place in my life, mostly by her choices but in the last several years, by my choice. I choose to surround myself with healthy, postive people, people who make good life choices and work on having healthy relationships. My mother had a hard time doing that. And while the grieving heart does play tricks on the mind, I am still aware that not much will change for me. I am sad. Sad that she's gone. Sad that she won't see any of my kids get married or having babies. Sad that she didn't know how to be a healthy person and have a healthy relationship.
She was beautiful and amazing to other people. I wish we knew the amazing person that everyone says she was. She was stubborn, determined and full of crazy ideas. Some of those ideas actually came to fruition and I know where I get my stubborness.
I forgive her for dying. I forgive her for not taking care of herself. I forgive her for giving up. I forgive her for the bad choices she made.
And while I do have regrets, I will move forward and let go of them. I will focus on the people who are still here and be the mother she probably wanted to be but didn't know how to be.
My mother passed away on Wednesday, February 6, 2013 at 7pm, 3 days before her 68th birthday. My mother is dead. What harsh words. I don't have a mother anymore. While that is sad, she didn't hold a large place in my life, mostly by her choices but in the last several years, by my choice. I choose to surround myself with healthy, postive people, people who make good life choices and work on having healthy relationships. My mother had a hard time doing that. And while the grieving heart does play tricks on the mind, I am still aware that not much will change for me. I am sad. Sad that she's gone. Sad that she won't see any of my kids get married or having babies. Sad that she didn't know how to be a healthy person and have a healthy relationship. 
She was beautiful and amazing to other people. I wish we knew the amazing person that everyone says she was. She was stubborn, determined and full of crazy ideas. Some of those ideas actually came to fruition and I know where I get my stubborness. 
I forgive her for dying. I forgive her for not taking care of herself. I forgive her for giving up. I forgive her for the bad choices she made. 
And while I do have regrets, I will move forward and let go of them. I will focus on the people who are still here and be the mother she probably wanted to be but didn't know how to be.
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